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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.