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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Don’t believe everything you think.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...