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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
My whole life is based on a true story...