Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you