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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.