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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.