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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.