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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.