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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".