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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I like people... From a distance.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...