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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!