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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?