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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data