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I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.