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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.