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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.