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I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.