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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.