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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...