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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.