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I put the o in illiterate!
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.