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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.