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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.