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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?