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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.