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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.