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I put the o in illiterate!
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!