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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.