Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Sex, do it for the kids.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.