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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!