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Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.