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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.