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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.