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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.