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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"