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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.