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I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people