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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.