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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.