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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow