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FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat