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No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass