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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.