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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."