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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.