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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.