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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss