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The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Mondays are middle finger approved
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.