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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.