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I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.