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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?