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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.