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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
only 9530 days until retirement.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.