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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.