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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Velcro is a ripoff
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat