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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.