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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.