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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Iām not in denial, Iām just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around