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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Does the Food Network deliver?
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.