Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.