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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.