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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.