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"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I am used but in good condition.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?