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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Bacon...need I say more
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.