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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts โBatmanโ when heโs drunk. I know I do.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?