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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
It´s never to late to be happy