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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.