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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.