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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.