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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.