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When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.