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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.