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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
I fake my LOLs
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…