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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.