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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.