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I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!