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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?