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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Well, the people outside are frightful.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.